Some people are natural entertainers. They tell stories, make people laugh, share ideas and keep the conversation going. They bring energy into a room and often enjoy being at the centre of attention.
Others are more comfortable being the audience. They listen, ask questions, laugh at your jokes and seem genuinely interested in what you have to say.
Vanessa Van Edwards describes these conversational styles as entertainers and appreciators. When I came across this distinction, I immediately started thinking about managers and how much their conversational habits affect the people around them.
Entertainers and appreciators
Entertainers enjoy sharing their thoughts, stories and experiences. They're often quick to offer ideas and advice, and they get energy from other people's reactions.
Appreciators get their energy from being interested in others. They enjoy hearing people's stories, asking questions and giving someone else their attention.
Of course, these aren't fixed personality types. Most of us probably recognise a bit of both in ourselves, depending on the situation and the people we're with. And being an entertainer isn't a bad thing either. Enthusiasm, humour and good storytelling can be valuable qualities in a leader.
But the distinction raises an interesting question about how we use our attention as managers.
The manager who always has an answer
Imagine an employee bringing an idea to their manager. The manager immediately recognises something familiar. They've encountered a similar situation before, have plenty of experience to share and quickly start explaining what they think should be done.
The conversation might be useful, and the manager's advice might even be excellent. But there's a possibility that the employee leaves without having had much opportunity to develop their own thinking.
Now imagine a slightly different conversation. The manager takes an interest in the idea and asks the employee to explain it further. They explore the thinking behind it, what the employee hopes to achieve and what options they've considered.
The manager still contributes their experience, but they don't rush to make it the centre of the conversation. The employee gets to think through their own idea rather than simply receive an answer.
I have to admit, I recognise my younger self in this.
When I first became a team lead, I thought my job was to have all the answers. If someone came to me with a problem, I felt I was supposed to solve it. I genuinely wanted to help, but I also thought that knowing what to do was part of proving myself as a manager.
Looking back, I cringe a little at how I approached those conversations. I was so busy trying to be helpful and give the right answers that I probably didn't leave much room for people to think things through themselves.
I wish I'd understood earlier that being a good manager isn't about having all the answers. It's about helping other people develop the confidence and ability to find their own.
Becoming a manager means changing how you contribute
This is something I find particularly relevant in founder-led and growing companies. Founders often build their businesses by being exceptionally good at something. They know their product, customers or industry inside out, and they're used to solving problems themselves.
The same applies to experienced specialists who become team leads. They may have been promoted because they're excellent at their work, but being good at the work and being good at managing other people are two different things.
I like how Kim Scott approaches this in her work on management. Being a boss isn't a reward or a badge of honour. It's a job with its own responsibilities, and part of that job is helping other people become better at theirs.
That can require a real change in behaviour. Instead of being the person who knows the answer, you increasingly need to become the person who helps others find answers. It takes patience, attention and a willingness to step back.
Listening isn't quite the same as appreciating
Coming from a Finnish perspective, I find this particularly interesting. We're not generally known for dominating conversations or making ourselves the centre of attention. Silence doesn't necessarily make us uncomfortable, and many of us are perfectly happy letting someone else speak.
But I don't think that automatically makes us appreciators. There's a difference between being quiet and being genuinely curious. You can listen politely without really engaging with what someone is saying, or give someone space to talk without showing much interest in their thinking.
Appreciation, as I understand it, is more active than that. It's about making someone feel that what they have to say is worth hearing. It shows in the questions you ask, the attention you give and whether you remember what someone has told you.
Importantly, it doesn't mean agreeing with everything. A good manager can be genuinely interested in someone's ideas and still challenge their thinking, give difficult feedback or disagree.
Giving others room to grow
I think managers have an enormous influence on the quality of conversations at work. When a manager is always the first to offer an answer, employees may gradually become used to looking to them for solutions rather than developing their own. When a manager consistently shows curiosity and interest, people have more room to think for themselves.
That doesn't mean every conversation needs to be long or exploratory. Sometimes a clear answer or quick decision is exactly what's needed. But as a manager, it's worth becoming conscious of your own conversational habits.
In your next conversation with a team member, notice whether you're genuinely exploring their thinking or mainly waiting for an opportunity to share your own.
I don't think great managers need to be the most interesting people in the room. They need to make room for other people to be interesting too.
This article is part of a three-part series exploring the human side of management. You can also read about building genuine relationships with employees and bringing more dream building into performance conversations.
Interested in exploring these ideas further? A great place to start is this podcast conversation with Vanessa Van Edwards.